Why?

Why do women insist upon allowing themselves to fall victim to abusive men? This is something I will never understand. What I understand even less is why most of these women stay with their abusers, and return to them even after they had an out. This is a question I would like my readers to think about, especially if you are a female in this situation.

I have known women that are in abusive relationships that have made a successful escape, never to return to the asshole that hurt them. It does happen and can happen for you if you are in a situation like this. So why, once you are safely out, would you subject yourself, and possibly your family, to the harm the psychopathic lunatic could cause? It isn't only you that is affected by your decision. Anyone and everyone in your life is affected by your decision to stay with this person.

If you have children, your children will be affected and possibly placed in harm's way by making the decision to be with someone abusive. I honestly believe that, if as a parent, you put your children in harm's way like that, you should be stripped of all parental rights until you are out of the situation and seek help to rectify any thoughts or behaviors you have that lead you to believe you need to be with an abusive partner.

Women need to quit playing the role of the fragile being, helpless and afraid to stand up for themselves and their family. You are far better off being alone than you are with an abusive partner. Get that through your thick skulls would ya?

Exes and Others

Wow. It amazes me how some people claim to change, but never truly do. Why is it that when someone is your ex, after a while you begin to forget why you are apart? I know I haven't been the best girlfriend to a lot of people I've dated, some reasons explained in my other blog, but for some reason my exes keep coming back to me. I think it is merely they want something familiar, and are looking to get laid, but I've noticed I can't seem to give in to their wants as easily anymore.

You see, before I had an icy cold exterior. I didn't get attached to people, and never shared emotions with others. However, since I found true love, and had my son, I've noticed that level of self protection for me is gone. I have noticed that instead of giving in to people, I'm telling them why I can't. I think some of them have been hurt by the fact that I won't go there because they genuinely wanted another shot, but others have just gotten upset that they won't be able to score and they disappeared.

This brings me back to my eternal question: Can men and women honestly be just friends? Purely platonic, no strings attached and no benefits? I begin to doubt this more and more with every passing day. There are a few exceptions (Josh, this means you.) but those exceptions are rare. I honestly miss the old days when I could just be friends with people, without the added expectation of meaningless hookups. I am still in love, though not technically in a relationship. I may be single, but my heart is still spoken for. I will not be hooking up with anyone.

I am so annoyed right now. I don't understand why everyone seems to want me (I didn't mean that as conceitedly as it sounded). I am not that great of a catch. Seriously, I'm not.

Change

Change is inevitable.  It happens whether we want it to or not.  There is nothing you can do to prevent it.  Many times you do not realize it is happening.  Once it hits however, it is hard to go back to the way things were.  It can happen though, so don't get distressed. 

I am currently looking forward to change.  I am very eager to change my situation and have a fresh start.  Many of my current friends will remain, but some of you may choose not to stay in touch with me once I move.  For those of you that make that decision, I am thankful for the time we had as friends and for the changes and insight you helped me with. 

I am realizing that I can't live in the past any more.  The past has already happened and cannot be changed.  I need to start living in the moment and for the future.  I am working hard at school and trying to make positive changes in myself to get back the good points of the "old me" without all the drinking and drama that went with it.  I don't want to be the cold shell of a person I used to be.  For the longest time I was afraid to let anyone in, even those I cared deeply about, for fear of getting hurt.  I can't block people out for fear of them hurting me; it is a risk I have to take if I want to have anyone in my life that is worth having there. 

Part of the biggest reason I have failed in relationships is that I tend to put up walls and push people away just when I start to care the most.  I get scared that they are getting too close and that I am caring too much, therefore making myself (in my mind) vulnerable for them to hurt me.  Instead of trusting that they wouldn't hurt me, I put up my walls to protect myself and push them away before they can do that to me.  It is among the quickest ways to kill a relationship, monogamous or not. 

With the knowledge I have been gaining about myself through insight and, for once in my life, actually listening to what others are saying instead of just hearing it, I am making changes (though slow at times with some small setbacks) to be a happier, healthier person physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I wish that emotional scars were like physical scars in that people could see them and therefore understand them better.  Half of the time I think that I don't even realize how many emotional scars I have, some of which are not completely healed.  All I can tell everyone is that I am sorry for not being the type of friend I should have been.  I am sorry if I pushed you away unfairly or simply disappeared from your life without reason or explanation.  I can tell you that it most likely had nothing to do with you.  I have been battling a lot of inner demons for a long time and not telling anyone or trying to seek help to work through it.  Please accept my deepest and sincerest of apologies.  I never meant to hurt anyone, and for the longest time I didn't realize I had. 

I honestly believe that once I have moved out and moved on with my life I will be in a much better place mentally.  Though it is not an excuse, living in the same house still that I lived in with my parents (both of whom are deceased) has had a major impact on me and I need to be away from this place before I can truly move on.  Hopefully that day will come soon.

In closing (for this post anyway) I would like to again offer my deepest and sincerest of apologies if you are one of the aforementioned friends that I have neglected or mistreated.  You will never know the depths of my shame over my behavior.  I have not been a good person, and I am going to do my best to change that. 

I love you all.

DRAMA FREE

With all the drama we've had lately, I am proud to say that, for the most part, we will be DRAMA FREE for a while. The main source of the problem has left, though not by choice, and has been told not to return or face jail time. Gotta love the PD. Once they saw the bruises and found out about the physical attack on me, especially with a one year old child in the house, they made it very clear he was not to be here.

Hopefully, this house will sell soon. Then, we can be truly drama free.

The Process of Selling a House

Wow. Who'da thunk it? Selling a house is a lot harder than I ever thought it could be. First off, you have to get the house cleaned up and packed up. This can take a LOT of work, and ya never really realize just how much shit you've accumulated until you go to pack it all up. You go to Wal-Mart and steal their empty boxes they were going to trash thinking "Oh, three carloads of boxes should be enough." But it never is. You get completely done with your closet and realize "Oh holy shit! I am out of boxes already?!?!" Yep. It happens. Trust me.

Then, on top of all the cleaning and packing and stuff, you actually have to decide on a price and try to stick to it. Not too hard since you need that money to start over.

THEN you have to wait for someone to actually want your house over all the others out there on the market. Wow. What a cluster that can be. A million people trampling through your house to find ONE person who may be interested in buying it, possibly successful in your search, possibly not.

But in the end it is all worth it, or so I'm told. I am still waiting for that offer to come, though my agent says it should be any day now. I hope he is right. I can't wait to move on with my life and leave the past behind me.

The Life and Times of Lissa

Born in 1982, Lissa has seen a lot in her relatively short life. She has dealt with more than most her age; yet she has persevered to become the strong, intelligent, driven woman she is today. There are many facets to this woman you see before you today. She is a mother, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a fighter, a Bitch, a mentor, an inspiration; the list could go on for eternity. One thing Lissa is not, however, is someone that will easily turn her back on those she cares about. She may put up a tough front, but underneath the rough and tumble exterior is a fragile little girl, uncertain where things in her life went so terribly wrong.

You may not realize this, but Lissa isn't really as strong as she likes to put off to be. A lot of things she plays off as not affecting her have left deep emotional scars on her that she battles with on a daily basis. From the abandonment issues surrounding her early childhood to the fear of being loved as an adult, there are years and years of issues she has held just under the surface; afraid to show her vulnerability to others for fear of being judged as less than her peers, she has kept everything bottled up inside.

I am planning to start a new blog, entitled The Life and Times of Lissa to tell more about me and my past. This will be my form of "therapy" about my past. I will probably jump around depending on what issues and demons I am battling that day, but it is certain to be quite insightful to who I am and why I am the way I am. Some of this may even prove to be a revelation to me, so please bear with me as I jump back in time to explore who I am and where I came from.

I honestly believe that blogging can cure the soul. That being said, I feel blogging can be quite dangerous when it explores parts of ourselves that we have chosen to hide for months, years and even decades.

Get ready to go on a bumpy ride to into the Life and Times of Lissa. It is sure to be a tantalizing experience.

The State of Lissa

What is the state of Lissa right now? Confused. She doesn't know what she wants more, the house to sell or her life back the way it used to be. She is thinking it is the latter. Going back into the past will do nothing productive and it won't change things.

I have come to the decision, after a lot of thinking, that I don't need a man in my life (other than my son) to make me feel complete. I am my own person. I have my own mind, my wants, my desires, my needs. This being said, I WANT one man in particular in my life. He knows who he is, so there is no need to go mentioning names.

I am doing okay in school so far. I can't believe it is time for midterms already! wow. Time flies.

All in all I must say the state of Lissa is a great place. There are beautiful valleys and scenic mountains to view. :) Anywho.. I'm off here for now. It's almost 5:30 am and I need to be up early.

Still Waiting on Change

Here I sit, still waiting on change to come knocking on my door. Forget opportunity. I am waiting for someone to buy my house so I can move out and move on. I want to buy my new home so G and I can start getting ready for the holidays. We can get our life in order. We can be a little family. There is a possibility of getting an English Mastiff puppy and Pitt Puppy for G. I'm sure he would love those. Poor buddy is teething and not feeling his best. I feel so bad for him. He needs to be somewhere we can be ourselves. Right now he is trying to poop his pants. His little face makes the funniest expressions as he does this.

I have learned so much about being a Mom in the last year. I would never change that for anything. It is a much harder job than I expected, but I'm loving most every minute of it.

Finishing Schoolwork, offline for the weekend

From about Noonish today until around 8pm or so on Sunday I won't be online. I will be spending time with my former MIL-to-be/Son's Grandma, Patti. She is coming into town to visit with Gio and I, so I will not be browsing the web. I am currently trying to finish assignments that are due Sunday, so….

 

Just letting you all know.

Giving in to Giving Up

I have given in. I am giving up hope. I no longer wish to be the one sitting here, looking like a fool, saying things aren't over when, undoubtedly, they are. To try to convince myself otherwise would be a waste of time and effort. The fact that I've given in to giving up hope doesn't mean that I am a weak person, in fact, quite the contrary. It means that I am strong enough to admit that it is time for me to move on. I have given it over two weeks, and feel that things are not progressing at a satisfactory rate. I believe that resistance is futile.

I honestly wanted to believe that it would last forever. I never wanted to give up hope, but I have. I cannot help the way I feel, and right now I feel that I would be better off in reality than in a fantasy world believing things will work out and we will once again be in love. It may happen, and I know this, but it is highly unlikely, as he said, so why should I put my life on hold for something that most likely will not happen?

This realization leads to bigger issues. Where do I want to move? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life?

Where do I want to move? This question has no definitive answer at this time. I know I want to move somewhere I can find work as a paralegal (meaning within a commutable distance to a big city is a plus). I want to move somewhere that I can have all the modern conveniences I have become accustomed to; running water, cable, electricity, indoor plumbing… All of these are necessities. As well as being able to get to the local Wal-mart or other big box store to buy things I need relatively cheaply, I would like to also be able to enjoy the views around me. I want to have a home, hopefully paid in full, with at least 3 bedrooms (so that I can have a tv/guest room), and a decent sized yard for my son to play in as he grows up. Right now he is one, but he is going on about 16.

Where do I want to be? While you may think this is the same as where I want to move, it really isn't. I want to be happy. I want to be with like-minded people. I want to be in a healthy environment for both myself and my son. I want to be myself again. I don't feel I can do any of these things in Grove City, Ohio. This little town has sucked the life out of me (though some would beg to differ and state that it is those around me who have drained my life away) and I want nothing more to do with it. I honestly want to be some place new.

What do I want to do with my life? I always seem to get tripped up by this question. Professionally and academically, I want to be successful. I want to earn my AAS in Paralegal Studies and focus on a career in law. I would like to eventually go on to law school to try to become a Lawyer. On the personal level, however, I want to be a good friend, a great sister and a loving, caring Mom. I want to find someone with which I can share my life, even if that doesn't mean marriage.

As I sit here and watch my son do the Heimlich maneuver on a stuffed puppy dog, I realize that things aren't nearly as horrible as they seem at times. He laughs at the Oompa-Loompa's on the TV, and smiles when Mommy does something seemingly stupid to everyone but him. I guess I'm not really giving in to giving up, but I'm moving forward. I'm not locking the door, just closing it behind me. I am not looking for love, only friendship, maybe companionship. I still love him, but cannot go on forever in the state I am in now.

So…. The wedding is off, why am I still planning it?

Okay, since Donnie and I broke things off (well, he broke it off, I didn't really have a choice in the matter), obviously our wedding is off. However, if our wedding is off, why am I still planning it? Well, I look at it like this, I might as well plan it out, most of the way, now so that when/if it does happen, I won't be rushed to get the details together. I figure I can still plan guest lists, seating arrangements, menus, soundtracks, themes and the basics, because it can all be used later. I am even picking places to have the wedding and possible honeymoon destinations, depending on how much disposable cash we have at the time.

We didn't plan on having some big, huge, fancy wedding. Something somewhat intimate, with less than 200 people involved (that includes bridesmaids, groomsmen, and everyone else), and very simplistic… Something romantic. I would love to do a theme wedding, either with colors or maybe a 50's theme or something like that. Donnie wasn't too keen on the idea of an era theme, but… He may soften on that over time. I will brainstorm. Whatever we do, it has to be something we BOTH want.

I don't want to marry anyone unless I marry Donnie. He truly is my soul mate (in my opinion) and no one can make me happier than he has.

 

Ah, emotional much? Yes. But, I'm female so I'm allowed to be. That is my right.

 

Tired, Incoherent Ramblings… Sleep good.

Wow. I am tired. I have been awake for, with the exception of about a good hour nap, over 34 hours now. Ugh. It amazes me what sleep dep can do to a person. I feel like I'm in such a haze. I honestly don't know which way is up right now. I can barely see this screen. I'm awake because I have a kid. I'm awake because.. well, I am.

My dear one year old son is currently sitting here eating some lightly toasted bread and watching Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (The Tim Burton/Johnny Depp adaptation of it), probably wondering what kinda trip Mommy is on, because I have been rambling on and on to him for the last 10 minutes since he woke back up.

I miss his Daddy. His Daddy made a very nice pillow to cuddle up to. When he would hold me, I could sleep. LOL. Let us decide we wanted to watch a movie, and have him put his arm around me to cuddle and watch it, within 15 minutes I was OUT like a light. LOL. I miss that. I need that. No, correction, I WANT that. I love that man with all my heart.

I am freezing! Anyone who knows me knows I don't really get cold. I hate being tired. Sleep now. Sleep. Night.

Where do I go from Here?

One of my biggest issues lately has been the selling of my house. While I am very much looking forward to it, as I have lived in this house since I was three and a half years old, it does bring about quite a bit of apprehension about my future.

The house I live in is, by no means, a shambles. It is actually a lovely little 3 bedroom ranch, possible 4^th bedroom in the basement, with many quaint little things about it that have just always made it "home." However, this house no longer symbolizes home to me. It hasn't for a while now. You may be asking yourself, Why? Well, there is a long list of reasons, some monumental, some trivial, why this house is no longer HOME.

My parents, whom I had lived with in this house, have both passed away. I watched them both suffer horribly slow, painful deaths. It was not something that made me feel any more close to this house, knowing they suffered in it before they died. Then there is the drama that has ensued since they passed. The first was with my "Brother" Harry. Two days after my Mom passed away from cancer, he had us served with court papers stating he was suing us (my sister, Ginger, and I) over the house, trying to either collect rent from us at an astronomically high rate or to force us to sell. We ended up settling out of court for $40,000 to him, plus his attorney fees, our attorney fees, paperwork on the "sale" of the house, and a few other things that were thrown in that we should have NEVER been forced to foot the bill on (like his missed pay from taking off work to meet with his attorney and file paperwork). All-in-all it ended up running us about $46,000 to have him taken off the house. The harassment has continued, though he hasn't found any way to sue us over anything new since.

Following the receipt of the court papers from my 'brother' was the court papers from my 'sister', Lizann. She decided to sue my sister, Ginger, over the Mary & Juanito (here forward known as 'the kids'). The kids are Lizann's biological grandchildren that her daughter, Bernie, lost custody of when she was going to prison on drug charges. Ginger took custody of the kids, back in 2000, so the kids wouldn't end up in 'the system'. Now, as soon as Mom passed away, they decided that we were all unfit for the children to be with, and they wanted them back. This is six years later, and all of a sudden they want the kids. Mind you, Ginger has full legal custody of the children, yet they took her to court and ran down what little money we had left in the bank to nothing. They ended up winning visitation rights, but custody remains with Ginger.

Then there is the drama with my fiancé, Donnie, and my sister, Ginger, not getting along. That is, in and of itself, a very stressful thing for me, but something I have learned to accept. Enough said on that subject, for the moment at least.

Then there was my pregnancy. January 18, 2007 I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, but happy. Did I really want a child? Sure, why not? All went well for a few weeks, then signs started popping up that my pregnancy would go less than smoothly. By three months pregnant, I was on bed rest. At six months pregnant, I gave birth by emergency C-section to my son, Giovanni Xavier, who weighed in at 2 pounds 6.75 ounces and 16 inches long. He spent 68 days in the NICU. He came home healthy, but small.

In March, 2008, his Daddy decided he needed a break, and left. While his Daddy was gone (but I was with him for a weekend with Gio) I found out I was pregnant. Within 48 hours, however, that joy was over as the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I still have some lingering issues about what might have been, what could have been and what should have been. I will always question if that miscarried pregnancy would have been my little girl. Daddy came back home shortly after.

Since then it has been a very bumpy road, resulting in his Dad and I splitting again. This time, it is more serious. I don't know if we will find our way back to each other this time, though I do still hope we will.

With my house on the verge of selling, it has brought me to the question: Where do I go from here?

Where ever I go, I need a fresh start. I want away from Ohio, or at least the portions of it I know best. I want to be away from people I've seen nearly every day of my life, and really start new. I don't know if I will move to Michigan to be near Donnie's family, or if I will move someplace new all together. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. I do know that, where ever it is, I would love for Donnie to be with me, but if that isn't possible, that is okay. With time, the pain will ease. If nothing else good ever comes from Donnie and I having been together, I have this: I learned what it was to love and be loved, for real and without hesitation or fear of judgment. I learned that sometimes the things I want most are things I never knew I wanted at all. I have my son, and he is perfect. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Trying things a New Way

Okay, I don't normally like to change things up in my routine too much, but I have noticed that, every time I use the office 2007 suite by Microsoft, there is this thing that says "New Blog Post" as an option for the type of file I am going to use. Well, I decided I am going to try this. So, here goes nothing.

I have no clue what capabilities this thing has, if I can post pictures or whatnot. I am just kinda in the process of winging it right now. My son, Giovanni, is playing with my computer cord (he likes to unplug it while it's in use) and he is crying. Lovely mix for this day, that is for sure. On top of that, I am *trying* (rather unsuccessfully) to get my assignments done for schooling this week. Ugh. Schooling. Yes.

That is right. I am a student. I am trying, like so many others out there, to better myself and find out what a higher education means to me. Well, one thing I can already tell you it means to me is a headache that won't go away! All these Latin terms I have to learn for my courses are going to drive me nuts.

Now, if this posts correctly, directly above this text there should be a picture of my son in his swing pulling my computer cord. Don't mind all the boxes in the background as I am packing to move. I don't know that this is going to work. This may end up being used for my text only postings… My apprehension about changing the way I do things drives me nuts. …

Well, I am going to try to post this now, we shall see what happens.

Can I Really Do It?

So lately you have seen a way different side of me than I ever hoped to impose on any of my readers. My softer, psychotically emotional, caring side. While I won't apologize for my emotional display as of late (it is in the past, I cannot change the past. Therefore, no need to apologize about it when I was being honest, real and Me.), I have found new inspiration to get back to the style of writing I am sure you had become accustomed to.

My new inspiration comes in the form of, what else, a blog. I am not sure who authors this blog, of if they are really as maniacal as they seem, but it is definitely a true inspiration. The blog is called Dog Meat: The Video and it is here on Blogger (dogmeatthevideo.blogspot.com). It is absolutely amazing.

So, I will be trying to get back to what my blog was initially about when I started it. There may be some new content added, like blogs about the realm of "Higher Education" as I find myself delving deeper and deeper into the world of Academics, or about the process of selling a house and trying to find a new place to live, as this is a struggle I am having right now and am VERY opinionated about. You may even see a blog or two about the job market in this country as I struggle to find employment when, in all honesty, I'm more than qualified for EVERY job I've applied for.

So sit back and relax my friends, but remember to hold on tight. This is going to be a wild ride.

You Have to Check This Out!

Okay, on the norm I wouldn't tell my readers to go anywhere but here. However, I came across this blog, quite by accident I might add, that I find.... Amazing.

The author seems to have captured that dark side, the rebellious side of me in his or her writings. I have had many of the same thoughts.

It seems to be a fairly new blog, which is most likely why I had never heard of it before. All I ask is that you check it out.

Whoever the author is, if you see this blog, thank you for your blog! It is always a pleasure to be a part of your audience.

DogMeatTheVideo.Blogspot.Com

To My Love, William Donald Harmon

I don't know what to say right now. I wish I did. I have so many things I want to say, but I'm afraid to. I guess I'll start small. I love you. Okay, that isn't anything small, but... I love you is probably the easiest for me to say right now. Everything else opens up too much of a chance for debate.

I miss you. I miss US. Not the US we had been lately, but the US we used to be, back when we actually enjoyed spending time together. How do we get back to that? I want it back so much.

I know you keep trying to tell me it will be MY house, not ours. I cannot accept that. I am still holding out hope. I don't believe in giving up without a fight, and to me, you are worth fighting for. You are my world, you and our son. Without you, a huge piece of me is missing. You ARE my soul mate, and I know this. You complete me. I am still holding out hope for December 20, 2008. I still have my wedding dress for our wedding. You are the only one I want. You are the only one I will accept.

It was wonderful talking to you today. I miss that. I miss us talking, and I do mean talking. I miss the days when that was what we used to do, talk to each other, about everything and nothing. I miss us.

I don't know how to convey to you just how I feel. I don't know how to make certain you understand what my intentions are, other than to just say:

I want us back. I want us to still have our future together. I still believe we can. I miss you terribly. I miss us terribly. I don't know how to convince you that you truly are the only one for me, but you are. I swear this on everything that is important to me, including our son. I know, deep down, you still want our future we had planned. Just don't be afraid to let me know. I'm not giving up because I can't. I still believe we are meant to be together.

There were so many things I never thought I wanted until I met you. I never wanted to fall in love, until I met you, and I did. I never really wanted to have a child, until I met you. Now I have my perfect little boy, because of you. I never thought I would want to get married, but I do, to you. Because of you, I went back to school.

I know we have a lot of things we need to work through, as a couple and as individuals. I feel that I can do anything, as long as I have you by my side. Please, don't shut the door on us and our future together as a family.

Tell me what I need to do to make this work. Tell me where I need to compromise. Compromise with me. You are the only one that I want, and the only one that I love. The only man I can see myself with, now or ever, is you.

I love you. William Donald Harmon, I love you. I will never love anyone else but you. I want us to be a couple again. I'm not asking to jump right back in where we left off, but please, don't give up on us. You used to tell me not to give up, and that we would be a family and be together for ever, so now I'm telling you the same thing.

In the famous words of Celine Dion:

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

A Quick Blog While Cleaning

Wow. I have had some major breakthroughs, and breakdowns, since Donnie left. I am realizing a lot of things about myself that I'm not too proud of. While I don't want to go into explicit details, a few details can't hurt, right? For prosperity's sake.

First and foremost, I realize that I have lost my own identity. If you know me, how would you describe me? Giovanni's Mom? Donnie's Fiancee? Honestly, really think about it, who am I? I used to know for certain, but lately it's been really fuzzy. I want to get back to the woman I was when Donnie and I first got together, the woman he fell in love with. I was so independent, and even hesitant to love at times. I never needed anyone, so it made me appreciate those around me more, because those I surrounded myself with were people I honestly wanted in my life. Not to say if you are in my life now that I don't appreciate you and want you here, but I want to get back to not NEEDING people so much. I was so self-sufficient, and now I'm not.

Secondly, I have been taking people for granted lately, especially Donnie. I didn't realize that until I really had to start doing things on my own. I have relied on him to do so many things for me, and he has done them without complaint, that I've taken that, and him, for granted. I don't want to do that. It has always been my philosophy not to take anyone for granted because in an instant they could be gone. I will do my best to NEVER take anyone for granted again. I truly appreciate all of you, in my own way, and am going to try to show it a little more often (okay, a lot more often). Donnie, if you are reading this, please know I am sorry for taking you for granted. I love you so much, and I guess I really hadn't shown it lately.

Thirdly, is that a word? Thirdly? It must be, there is no little squiggle red line under it. Hmm. Anyhow, Thirdly, I have not been taking responsibility for things happening in my life lately. Instead of saying that things are consequences of my choices and actions, I have been saying they are happening to me. That isn't right. Everything that has happened to me has, in some way or another, been a direct or indirect result of a choice I have made or action I have taken (or have not taken).

Lastly, I have let my insecurities take over. Between my own paranoia about being cheated on due to past experiences and my little green monster called jealousy rearing it's ugly head lately, I have been a hot mess, full of worries that have caused me to do some very ugly things. To those I have hurt with this, I am sorry. I truly am. I am not, by nature, a jealous person. Suspicious yes, but not jealous. Due to my own insecurities, I have been extremely jealous lately, and I hate that. I am working on that hardcore right now. I hated it when I was with someone who was jealous and untrusting, and I have become just that. I am sorry. This is one I am digging my heels in on as quickly and as deeply as I can. I HATE JEALOUS & UNTRUSTING PEOPLE! In essence, I hate myself right now.

Amazing what many nights of little sleep, self reflection and deep self exploration can do, huh? lol

I know I have been letting a lot of my own personal demons show through lately, and I am aware of that now. I am doing my best to battle them, but will request that you all give me support and remind me of the fact I am trying to be a better person. I have done some things lately that I never thought I would do, and never wanted to do.

I guess the main point of this post is to apologize to everyone, mainly Donnie, for the way I have been treating you all lately. I have taken so many people for granted, and maybe expected too much of them while expecting too little of myself.

I am still hoping things will work out for Donnie and I and that we can be a family with our son again. That is what I want most in this world right now. I know it will take a while for both of us to get to where we need to be on a personal level, but I feel we can do it with each other's support.

As I realize my life has become a playlist of depressing and sad country songs, I want to bring back my FTW attitude I used to have, and a lot of the fun upbeat tempos that used to influence me. It is time I get out of doldrums.

Here is to starting over, officially. With any luck, someone will buy this house as a result of the showings today. Yes, I said showings. There are two today, between 11am and 1pm. Therefore, I need to get back to cleaning. It is after 6am! I honestly feel that once this house is sold and I am officially starting over in the world, not just my world, that things will change for me. Hopefully it will be a positive change.

A Letter to a Lost Love

I want you to know I still love you. I don't hate you for what you've done, though I know I should. I just don't understand how you could do this to me. You promised you never would, and I believed you. Maybe that was my first mistake. I let my guard down and believed in someone.

What did I do to deserve to be treated this way? You, of all people, should know how badly this hurts. I honestly feel like I'm falling apart right now. It drives me crazy, the thoughts rushing through my head. Thinking over everything that has happened and wondering where we went so wrong.

I am fine during the day, for the most part. I'm okay if I'm anywhere but in our room. Well, I guess now it's just my room. As soon as I walk in there I get the worst pain in my heart. I honestly feel it breaking. I was always told that a breaking heart was a metaphor for the pain you feel, but it isn't. With every passing moment that you aren't here, it breaks more. Soon there will be nothing left.

Why is it that the one being left is always the last to know? I honestly believed we were okay. I took you for your word. You swore to me you were going to be true, but you weren't. How am I ever going to trust again? You know how hard it was for me to trust you, not because you deserved it, but because I'd had my trust abused so many times before. I laid it all on the line to you, my heart most of all.

So where do I go from here? How do I move on? Can you tell me that? Can you tell me how I am supposed to just forget about our future together, and everything we had planned? Can you tell me how to stop the pain and the tears I cry every night?

I still don't know what happened. I don't know if you honestly fell out of love with me, or if you just got scared. I thought we were so happy. You kept telling me you wanted to marry me, and get our house, be a family with our son, and try for a daughter. Within a flash, really, it was all gone. You don't know the pain I felt when you told me you loved me, you just weren't in love with me anymore. Those words cut like a knife.

I stood by you when you needed me, and even when you didn't. I was so certain that you were my soul mate. I still feel that, deep down. I cannot rationalize in my mind what happened.

I just want you to know that I still love you, and I always will. I hope you find happiness, since obviously it wasn't with me and our son.

With all my undying love,

Your Soul Mate


"It's just weird."
"What is?"
"To be the only person alive who knows it isn't over."

more from myspace

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Someone tell me how..
Current mood: crushed

How do you explain your feelings to someone when there are no words to explain them? How do you forget your past and all the hurt in it and just love someone, without holding all your past hurts against them? How do you tell them you still love them, even though they have torn your heart and soul out and left you with nothing but a pain so intense that you would rather die?

I wish someone would tell me. I don't know how. I feel so lost. I know, however, that I have to live again, and know I will. I just don't know how.

Rock bottom always seemed so far away, but now I've hit it and gone crashing through it. I'm so far below rock bottom right now, even rock bottom looks up from here.

Someone, please tell me. How? How do I let go? How do I move on? How do I ever trust again? How do I love?


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Stolen from JaimeLynn... Seems to fit right now
Current mood: defeated

Amazing how well this fits right now. Thank you Gomerez :) I needed to read this.




-"Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor."

- When you get knocked down, stand back up. "

-You will have horrible things that happen to you in your life, and if you don't deal with them yourself, others will be forced to.

-Love at first sight exists. Trust me. However, it's usually unrequited and it hurts like hell, you'll want to die. But it's worth going through.

-Don't call him more than once, he'll call if he wants to call. If you continue to call he never will. He may never call and if he doesn't, oh well.

-Don't give credence to the people that talk down about/to you. They're jealous. Unless you're a douche, then it's deserved.

-Parents aren't always the ones doing the teaching. But they're more experienced and chances are they've done it before, so listen to them.

-Your friends aren't always right when they say they don't like the person you're with. But take their opinion and keep it in the back of your mind. Sometimes they see something you don't.

-Put your kids first. No matter what. They'll keep you strong when the others let you down.

-The truth always comes out and shit gets twice as deep when it does. It's not worth lying unless you're willing to face the consequences.

-Work hard, and take pride in what you do.

-Live like it's the last day of your life. Don't sweat that person, something you said or something you did. It's in the past and you can't change it.

-Always try to fix it, at least once.

-When you want something, go for it. Wholeheartedly. Put it all on the line. Either it happens or it doesn't.

-Sometimes people unintentionally hurt you because they are hurting over something that has nothing to do with you. Forgive them.

-Shit, forgive everyone. But don't forget or allow them to do the same thing again. Who are you to judge.

-Smile, even when it hurts. It seriously makes you feel better.

-Sometimes you have to be a bitch. You just need to know when to let it out.

-Leaving is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but sometimes it has to be done.

-Go ahead and sleep with him. He's either gonna respect you or not, regardless. Hey, at least you got some.

-Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but let them think you do. Let them think they have you, they'll show their true colors pretty quick. They'll either stay or walk away.

-Don't hate anyone, life's too short.

-Try to see the good in people.

-Some of the best people you'll ever meet are the ones that have been through the most and may be a little rough around the edges. Essentially, don't judge a book by it's cover.

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My myspace posts from the last 24 hours.... more to come

Monday, July 14, 2008


More Ramblings, and a poem.
Current mood: Indescribable pain
Category: Indescribable pain Romance and Relationships

Here I go Once Again.. It's amazing how as soon as darkness falls, everything seems so much more intense. The loneliness, the pain... The pain. It kills me. Much more I do not think I can bear. It has to end, but how, I don't care.




As the darkness begins,
The panic starts setting in.
Thoughts whipping through my head,
As I stare longingly at our empty bed.
Knowing that my heart will die,
Yet I can not muster a tear to cry.
Broken and bleeding beyond repair,
I honestly wonder if you even care.
My anger is hard to keep inside,
I want to simply run and hide.
As it gets darker by the minute,
The loneliness seems infinite.
My pulse is racing with fear chasing,
I know for you there is no replacing.
You're buried deep within my soul,
Though you've raked my heart over the coals.
The pain I feel I can't describe,
But there's no medicine to prescribe.
How we got so far off the track,
I'll never know though I've looked back.
I didn't really see this coming,
I should have though; I heard the humming.
Of rumor mills abuzz with life,
That I would never be your wife.
So here I lay broken in two,
But yet I know I still love you.

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Incoherant ramblings of exhaustion and pain
Current mood: tired; mentally, emotionally, physically.
Category: tired; mentally, emotionally, physically. Romance and Relationships

Here it is, as I begin to write this, 8:08 AM. I am still awake. My eyes are swollen from countless hours of crying and running the gamut of emotions. I am exhausted, but unable to relax long enough to fall asleep. I can barely see the screen. I have not eaten for a few days now, as every time I try I get sick. I feel lost in a labyrinth of emotions, fighting to find my way out. Every where I turn leads to yet another dead end.


I have screamed and cried, cursed at the top of my lungs trying to rid myself of the pain. I don't care how it goes, but I want it gone. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. The pain is intolerable. It is worse than I would have ever imagined. Dying would actually have to feel better than this. There are no words to express the pain I feel. I feel empty and hollow inside. Beyond that emptiness, however, is a pain so intense I cannot bear it. Imagine your heart breaking a million times over, then just keep adding by a million until you are dead. That doesn't even compare to how I feel right now.


I have already felt anger, betrayal, hurt, anger again, but cannot seem to move through the pain. There is too much pain to endure.


No alcohol this time. Mom and Dad would be proud. I am facing this one alone, without chemicals to numb me. I want a drink so bad, but luckily there is none here. I couldn't do it anyhow, and I know that. Temptation is an evil thing.


My ears are ringing from the whirling thoughts whipping around inside my head. The silence kills me more though.


As daylight breaks I search the house, hoping that it was a bad dream. He is not here. The pain becomes more intense as I fall to my knees. Amazing how hard you hit when you hit rock bottom.


It figures he would wake up early today. Wonderful ignorance and blessed innocence in one. He smiles, not realizing what is going on. My heart breaks when I look at him and think how this is going to affect him. The effect it has had on me is becoming apparent to him as he tries harder to make me smile.


I put a smile on my face and pretend I'm okay. Whispering "I love you" in his ear as I fight back my tears. For him I must be strong. He deserved better than this and I failed him. I have let him down. His disappointment in me will become apparent in years to come.


I smile again when he says "Dada" and tell him that he loves him. Inside I am dying.


I take him to the front room to play in his pen. He loves that pen. Maybe I will just lay down for a few moments on the couch and watch him and try to remember the way it was before...

I will never forget the smiles, I love you's, and kisses we shared. How could I, even the ones that were a lie had meant so much to me. Every warm embrace meant the world.


I am sorry, Mr. Lennon, but you lied. Love is not all you need. If it were, then I would have everything.






The playlist of my emotions
Current mood: the worst pain conceivable times about a million
Category: the worst pain conceivable times about a million Romance and Relationships


Right now, I'm not really able to put into words how I feel. I have tried, and every time I sound so pathetic. I feel pathetic. I just want the pain to stop, no matter how it has to happen. I have screamed and cried, and cursed out loud because the pain is intolerable. Such a pain I have never known before. I honestly feel like I'm dying inside. It is far worse than I would have ever imagined. I feel like I have lost my heart and soul, and I am empty inside. However, within that emptiness is a pain so intense it blocks out everything. To put it into words is impossible. There has not been words created yet to express the pain I feel. These songs are, right now, what sums things up best. I'm sure, in time, the words will come to me, but for now I will let the professionals express what I cannot.



MUSIC VIDEOS HAVE BEEN REMOVED TO TO HTML ERROR ON THIS SITE. TO SEE THE PLAYLIST PLEASE VISIT WWW.MYSPACE.COM/BAMBIHUNNY1026 AND CHECK THE BLOG. THANK YOU


The Alphabet and Me
Current mood: melancholy

This is Me.

Accepting.
Bitch.
Caring.
Devoted.
Eccentric.
Fighter.
Generous.
Helpful.
Intelligent.
Jealous.
Kinky.
Loving.
Mom.
Nurturing.
Open.
Passionate.
Quaint.
Rebellious.
Sexy.
Thoughtful.
Unrelenting.
Voluptuous.
Wise.
Xenodochial.
Youthful.
Zealous.

All of these words describe me. What words would describe you?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Favorite Things

My Son. His father. The smell of rain. Clean Laundry. A hot shower. Pepperoni Pizza and smirnoff with good friends. Conversation. Debate. Silk Roses, especially black or blue ones. Tattoos. The pain of the needle ripping into the skin is the best feeling in the world next to Love. Love. True, unconditional, undying love, the kind that doesn't even exist in movies. Cinnamon Apple candles. Cuddling on the couch. Quality time. Knowledge. Loving someone. Feeling loved.

Those are just a few for now. There are more, but these were the ones that came to mind right now.

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What hurts the most
Current mood: bummed

I always liked this song, though it was sad. Now it has a completely new meaning to me. The chorus is especially meaningful.

Lyrics: What Hurts The Most
By: Rascal Flatts


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....

Confused

I don't know what I am going to do next. I love him, but he claims he isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know if he is telling the truth or not. His Mom doesn't seem to think he is, but that instead he is trying to save me from him. I don't know what to believe. I just wish everything was back to the way it used to be.

Schooling, Appointments and Showings, OH MY!

Well, first of all, let me start by saying that my life is a complete mess at the moment. Not only am I juggling school, doctor's appointments and trying to keep the house in order for showings so it will sell, I am now a "single parent" until the house sells.

I sent Donnie to Michigan, in a move I question at times, to find employment and temporary housing until my house here in Ohio sells. This means that along with everything else I am trying to do, I also am taking care of a one year old little boy completely alone. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, as I am normally the one who cares for him anyhow unless I am ill, but I never realized before how nice it was just to have Donnie here to help keep him distracted while I made his bottles or changed his diaper.

Schooling is taking up much more time and effort than I thought it would. I didn't realize that my chosen field, Paralegalism, meant learning a foreign language. With all of the latin terminology they use in law, I might as well be taking Japanese, because that is what it all seems to me. I don't have Donnie here to help me with the terminology lessons, so I am trying to memorize all the terms completely on my own, without anyone to help me by running flash cards with. I plan to make myself some tests to do until I memorize all the terms.

Giovanni has a doctor appointment tomorrow, for his one year check up, and I am curious to see how his weight and height have changed since the last appointment. He is now eating "big boy food" almost exclusively, with just small amounts of baby fruit filling in. I can definitely feel a change in him when I hold him. I am hoping that he is over the 18 pound mark, which he should be without a doubt, and hopefully closer to the 20 pound mark. He sits completely unassisted now, and will stand up and walk if he has something to hold onto to steady himself. He is just getting so big.

My house, which has been on the market six weeks now, still hasn't sold. I am hoping it won't be much longer. I need it to sell so that Donnie and I can get our new house in Michigan and get it ready for winter. It gets colder up there much earlier than it does here, though only one state away, and we need to make sure the furnace is in good working order and get the storm windows and insulation installed. Also, I am trying to re-clean this house since Donnie left. Our room is a complete mess after going through and getting his stuff together so he could leave Tuesday night. I also need to re-clean Giovanni's room, because it has been a landing place for most of the displaced items in the house.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed, and have no one, and I do mean NO ONE to talk to about it. I can't talk to Donnie, as his not being here is part of why I feel so overwhelmed, because he will only get aggravated and upset and feel worse that he is gone. I can't talk to Ginger because she is here in the house, and it doesn't really help to have input about the situation from someone who is INSIDE the situation. I haven't felt so alone since my parents passed away.

Well, I am off of here. Sitting here blogging about my problems isn't going to solve them or get this room cleaned up any quicker. Wish me luck!

The House Situation

Wow. I am not sure whether to be ecstatic or mildly annoyed. We are having yet another showing today (good thing), but we just got called at 11:30 am to advise us there is a showing at 1:00 pm today (very short notice=bad thing). We were supposed to be given 24 hours notice minimum for showings so we could pick up the house and arrange to have all eight of us living here up and ready to leave before the potential buyers get here. Also, only persons who are pre-qualified or pre-approved for a loan are supposed to be getting showings for the house, and yet the one that was here yesterday was not pre-anything!

I guess Donnie. Giovanni and I are going to walk up to Staffmark so he can update his drug screening to see if they have any temp jobs he can work while we are waiting for the house to sell. This house had better sell quickly, because I am most definitely ready to move on.

Oh, and we are still in the midst of packing and sorting everything in the house. I never realized how much stuff we have. It amazes me when I go through things and realize how much I had bought while working 16 hour shifts at the police department, and never used them, or even took them out of the box. I found that I have 2 or 3 of some items, none of which have ever been opened. Once I'm done sorting and packing, I may never need to buy deodorant, shampoo, razors, razor blades or batteries again! Well, at least not for the next year or two.

Anyhow, I am off of here for now so that I can get dressed, get Giovanni dressed, pick up in both bedrooms, find shoes, get the stroller out, prepare the diaper bag, make bottles for Giovanni and get a ice cold bottled water ready for me, put Gio in the stroller, and head out the door, all within the next hour.

I love you all and just keep your fingers crossed this house sells quickly! I am, in my opinion anyway, going slowly insane with each passing day!

Check out my Pibb.com Channel

It's called Its Lissas World. It's like a forum, like on MYB, but it is strictly my channel. Meaning I am the admin. HeeHeeHee... Check it out. K?

It's Lissas World @Pibb.com

Feeling Renewed

Well, I had officially, in my mind, reached rock bottom yesterday. Still reeling from my car being repossessed, I felt myself spiraling out of control into a fit of self pity and depression. I decided, however, that I don't want to feel like that anymore.

I realized, when I started thinking about things, that I have let myself go. I am no longer any part of who I used to be. While I loved my job at the Police Department as a dispatcher, I hate what it has done to my body. Working 12-16 hours a day 5 days a week, I didn't have time to actually take care of myself, and I have gained almost 120 pounds since I started working there in 2004. It is time I take my life back. I am starting by getting more exercise. For the last 3 days, I have gone out and walked around the block, or farther, with Donnie and Giovanni at least once a day. That is phase 1 of my plan. I want to start walking, riding my bike (once I get a new one. My old one got lost a while back.), working out on my Total Gym and with my free weights, and eventually get a YMCA membership for Donnie, Giovanni and me so that I can use the rest of their weights and their pool for strength training and toning. While I am not going to change my "diet", I am going to start limiting how much I eat, and break things down into more frequent, smaller meals, which should help boost my metabolism, which is nearly non-existent at this point. I am tired of the lazy slob I have turned into. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the real me, the thinner me, trapped inside, suffocating under all the fat. It is time I take my life back.

I am looking to the future with a renewed sense of hope and anticipation. While I know things will be tough at first, leaving almost everyone and everything I have ever known to pack up and move out of state where the only people I know are Donnie, Giovanni and a few members of Donnie's family, I feel it is the fresh start I need. My friends and family can still come see me, but we won't be around each other 24/7, which will make us appreciate what time we do have together. They will also be able to see the changes in me more profoundly, since they won't be around me every single day.

Getting healthier has long been a goal of mine, but now I am making it a priority. I have a son to think about, and he needs a healthy, happy Mom. If I ever want to have my daughter, whose name I have already chosen and first outfit I already have bought, then I need to lose weight and get healthier, because otherwise I will have another rough pregnancy, and may not be as lucky as I was with Giovanni.

Also, once our house is sold, and we buy our new place and get everything we need to, and hide money away in the bank for a rainy day, I want to get a tattoo kit and a professional cake decorating kit. Donnie and I both want to learn to do tattoos, though mine would be purely for hobby only. I also want to look to making a part time career out of doing professional cake decorating (for Birthdays, weddings, etc.) to bring in extra income. Cake decoration is something I do have experience with, and since I wouldn't be using ice cream cakes, like I did at DQ, I wouldn't need to feel as rushed and can actually take the time to enjoy it again like I used to when I helped my Mom do it.

So here is a toast to Today. Today is the start of all my tomorrows.

Tired of the Games

Have you ever had someone that was, in one way or another, a part of your life, no matter how you feel about it? I am in this situation now. There is someone, that I honestly detest, that has weaseled their way into my life, for better or for worse, and he refuses to leave.

This person, who we shall call Laymond Leed, has decided that a certain family member of mine is pretty much his property. If she so much as talks about any other male aquaintance she knows, he gets extremely jealous, throws a temper tantrum, and walks out, then blames her for his temper. Laymond also tends to be a complete ass to everyone else in the household, but then gets upset if someone disagrees with him or shares their honest opinion of him.

It truly infuriates me when he makes comments about my family, especially me, then doesn't have the balls enough to confront me with the shit he is talking. Laymond Leed is truly a coward and an ass.

Now, I am no expert, however I was trained by the largest P.D. in our area on how to recognize abusive behavior. Laymond is an abuser if I have EVER seen one! He claims to "wrestle" with my family member, and she has huge bruises all over her arms and legs, but yet she falls back into her typical victim routine that she used to use 15 years ago with the last jackass that beat on her and says "Oh, he didn't mean to." or "We were just playing around. It isn't really THAT bad." I'm sorry, but Charles Manson is his fucking idol! Does that not throw up a red flag to anyone else?

He has been married several times, and each time the woman has left him. Half of his own children won't associate with him, and apologize for his behavior when we bring it up to them.

This Laymond Leed needs to be stopped. Whether she finally wises up and kicks his ass to the curb or not, he WILL be going away soon. No one can stand him, it's just that I'm the most vocal about it. Other people are afraid to say anything for fear of retaliation, not only by him, but by our family member whom, in one breath says she knows he isn't "the one" but that he is "Mr. Right Now", then in the next breath says how she loves him and wants to have him with her all the time.

She needs a reality check, and he needs an attitude check.

Ugh... I am Beginning to Loathe the Internet

Well, let me be the first to say, I love the internet. Well, actually, it's kinda more like a love/hate relationship. I love the internet, but I HATE THE INTERNET!

I still remember when the internet was new. I couldn't wait to get home from school and check my e-mail, get on AOL and chat with friends, get the latest gossip from the web. Man, it was the kewlest thing EVER! Like, totally, okay? I still find myself online multiple times per day (more than I would really like to admit to) checking to see if I have any new mail, if anyone has broken up or hooked up, or whatever the kids are calling it today. I even check my MYSPACE and MYYEARBOOK sites, just to see if I was lucky enough to have anyone send me a quick shout out, just to see if I'm still alive.

It's like a natural high when you get online and it tells you that someone out there in the cyber world has thought enough of you to send you a message. Wow. Me? Really? Online, I'm Miss Popularity, something I NEVER was in school. This online craze is just that though, a craze. It is literally driving me crazy.

With our world turning more and more technology driven, we find ourselves using these technologies more and more, making us want instant gratification. Have you ever noticed that, if you are O-L-D like me, the kids nowadays just don't seem to communicate the way we used to? I mean, does anyone ever take the time to write notes in school instead of take notes? I don't mean txt'ing, because we all know TEENS TXT, but good old fashioned pen and paper notes. I don't see many of those anymore.

And who needs actual conversation with your mate? If you both have a computer you can just IM each other. Why would I want to waste my time talking when I can just IM the person across the room, and still be carrying on five other conversations at the same time? Seriously. Why?

That is where the loathing begins. I find that no one really takes the time to have a conversation anymore, because everyone is so used to getting these short bits of information passed back and forth so quickly. My significant other and I rarely talk anymore, even though we live together. Sure, we ask "Can you make me something to eat?" or "Can you turn the light off when you leave? Oh, and don't forget to close the door so the dogs don't come in here while I'm on the net." I can't remember the last time we had a real, sit down, heart to heart conversation. He claims it's because we see each other every day, and therefore there is really nothing for us to talk about anymore.

This is where the loathing spreads. He talks to a bunch of people online. Well, let me correct that, not just people, but females. Do I think he would ever cheat on me? No. He says he loves me, and I guess I believe him. I mean, he hasn't actually given me a reason not to. But how can he talk to all the other girls 24/7, but can barely speak more than 2 sentences at a time to me? If he isn't online talking to them, he is on the phone with them, or txt msg'ing them. I know I shouldn't be jealous if I trust him, but I can't help it. It feels like he is cheating, even though he technically isn't. He is sharing a part of him with other women that only I used to get, and now I get nothing at all of that part of him.

I'm not sure what to think. Maybe we should split up, or maybe I should give him a dose of his own medicine. I just can't rationalize this in my mind, and yet he thinks there is nothing wrong with it and that I am just being a BITCH. (Wait a minute, he hasn't actually said it in those exact words. He has kinda implied it on more than one occasion, but he hasn't actually said it.)

I miss the days when people only got online to check e-mail, stock quotes, news and gossip. I miss when our lives weren't so damn technology driven. I've gotten to the point now where I absolutely loathe my cell phone. I refuse to answer the darn thing half the time. I'm tired of never having a moment truly to myself, always being at someone's beckon call. It is now that I realize just how old I am. I miss the good old days. I now understand what my parents meant when they talked about "the good ole days."

I would give anything to go back to 1994! Man, that was the life!

Lots of Stuff on My Mind

So, it's been a while since I've really gotten down and dirty and posted something meaningful to me. Well, here I go.

First of all, the online store is up and running. Why the FUCK aren't you all over there shopping instead of being on here?!? I need you all to order lots and lots of stuff!

On another note, there are two people in my life who are dealing with doctors right now. Won't be naming names here, but I am hoping both of them will be fine. I will be here for both no matter what, but I am hoping neither will need me in that capacity. One has a chance of lung cancer, and the other has issues with Blood Platelets, which may be a sign of bone marrow issues. I know I don't tell either of you enough, but I honestly do care about and love ya both. I need both of ya in my life to keep me crazy enough to be sane!

Okay, enough of the sappy shit.

What is going on with the fucking gas prices? I mean, I go get gas at like, 2pm on Monday, and by 9am Tuesday gas has gone up by $0.48! That is just stupid! It is the same gasoline that was in there yesterday, so it should be the same price. I think they should only be allowed to up the price when they refill their tanks! I hope the gasoline industry goes under and all of us decide to walk or ride bikes everywhere from now on, or come up with a better fuel system!

Grocery prices are on the rise, again! Almost $3.50 for a fucking gallon of milk! Are you serious?!? Next thing I know they will be charging $10 for a stamp to mail your bills in, $100 for the envelopes... It is completely ridiculous how our prices are getting so inflated, and for no apparent reason.

I'm trying to find a nice part-time or full-time job to earn some extra cash. Of course, no one wants to hire someone with less than perfect credit. Um, Hello? I was on disability due to complications in pregnancy for a little over 4 months, then had to leave my job since they were demanding more overtime than I could possibly do with having a premature infant. Then, on top of all that, my insurance I had at the time is refusing to pay some of the bills because they filed the paperwork incorrectly for coverage on my son, and don't seem to know how to fix it. Giovanni, my 9 month old, was born July 8, they have his starting coverage date as August 1st. The City told me I have to call the insurance company to fix this, the insurance company said human resources needed to fax them the corrected paperwork. The City HR department is refusing to do so, so I'm being hit with almost a month's worth of NICU bills, adding up to over $200,000.00! That is just what the insurance is refusing to pay ANY part of.. I still have another $80,000 in bills that the insurance did pay part of that I am responsible for. Yet, every job seems to think I should still have perfect credit! Yeah... right!

I have been thinking about the past a lot again. It always gets me into trouble. I keep thinking how things would be different if I had done this or that differently. Would I be happy? Would I be in jail? Who would I be with? Would I have my son? It still amazes me how one small, seemingly insignificant detail could theoretically change the entire course of your life!

Ugh... I have got to go take a shower. I'm off for tonight!

Another Day, Another Death.

So, as you all know the last several years have really sucked for me. Well, I'll be getting yet another tattoo to honor a lost loved one. I just got the one in honor of my Biological Father, JD, that passed in January,


and now, as of this past Sunday, March 2, 2008, my Aunt Bonnie S. King passed away. I'll miss her very much, and I'm so thankful that she hadn't suffered with her cancer the way my Mom did with hers. Hopefully if there is an afterlife, she will be reunited with my Mom so they can go on their trips together again.

It hasn't even been a full 3 years since my Dad passed away, and I've lost 4 family members now. I will keep my fingers crossed that the numbers don't keep climbing.

Thinking about Old Times and the Future

So, I don't like to reminisce a lot, but lately I've been catching myself doing it more and more. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older and hormonal changes are occurring, or maybe it's just that I've had so much loss that I feel the need to remember the way things were.

I've caught myself thinking about old friends from way back in elementary school, all the way up to recent co-workers I've lost contact with. I've even been thinking about old boyfriends, like Ben from Park Street Middle School. I remember when I thought he and I would always be together. Ahh.. sweet ignorance. Back then, I didn't know real pain, or real love. I had never really experienced loss, and I was such a different person.

I miss the old days, going skating at Skate America with Nicole, watching football games with Megan, sleep-overs with Rachel, threatening to beat up the boys! hehe... These are all things I will never get back. I know each and every interaction I had growing up has shaped me into the person I am today, but I still can't help but wonder at times what if things had been different.

What if I hadn't lost touch with these people, and we were still as close today as we once were? Would I be happier, would I be more outgoing and less cynical? Would I still live in Ohio, or would I have moved away? Would I be the same person I am now, or completely different? Instead of having my first child just before I turned 25, would I have 3-4 kids now, or would I still be waiting?

Then, I get to thinking about the future. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Will Donnie and I last? Will I be a good Mom? Will I finally take off the excess weight, or will I continue to gain until I finally die from my body shutting down? The future is so uncertain.

I want to find a successful career where I can look the way I want, act the way I want, work the hours I want to, and live where I want to. This, however, seems to be just out of grasp. I don't want to have the conventional 40 hours (or more) a week job in an office working for a corporation who wants all of their employees to be cookie cutter clones. I want to lose about 130 lbs, get my tits done, and get covered in tattoos, have facial piercings, wacky hair cuts, the works! I want to be ME! Every interaction I have in life will shape who I am.

Well, here's to the future.

FLOCK YOU!

Okay, so I'm using yet another new web browser, and believe it or not, I like this one much better than firefox!  I never thought that would happen, but it has!  It's called Flock.  It is quite possibly the best web browser I have ever used.  It has almost all my favorite web sites off to one side with constant updates.  I wish it had a myspace updater, but it doesn't.  That is the only drawback, but it has many more features than most browsers.  Right now I'm using their offline blog poster.  I'm just testing this to see if it works really.  I'm hardly ever offline, but just incase it should happen again soon, I want to be able to upload my blogs as soon as my net comes back up! 

Well, I'm going to try this to see if it worked. 

Blogged with Flock

Ever Wonder WHY?

Okay. So, I tend to rant a lot. I admit it. That is what I'm best at doing. I'm normally very outspoken, and don't really care if I offend people. The way I figure, so effin what if I call things as I see them. Opinions are like assholes, and the only one that matters is mine! :) But seriously, ever wonder why I rant a lot? Because there is so much to rant about in this "Land of the Free and Home of the Brave".

First, Land of the Free??? I think not. The only things in life that are free are things you don't want, like STD's. When was the last time you were grateful for that?! Things that should be free, however, are not. Like health insurance. Health care should be free to all U.S. citizens, but is it? No. Do you realize that right now, there are approximately 47 million Americans without health care coverage. That's 16% of the entire U.S. population! Of that 47 million, 80% are native or naturalized citizens of the United States. Having employment no longer guarantees health care coverage, as a whopping 8 in 10 uninsured Americans come from working families. One third of the companies in the United States no longer offer health care coverage to their employees, and of the two thirds who do offer coverage, many of their employees either do not qualify for coverage, or cannot afford their portion of the Health Care Coverage costs. Nearly 40% of those that are uninsured come from households that earn more than $50,000 a year, and yet they still cannot afford insurance. Land of the Free my ass.

Secondly, Home of the Brave? If we are so effin brave, then why are we so damned afraid of change. A man comes along with a plan to fix what our current and recent past administrations have done with our government, and yet the news media is petrified to give him any real coverage unless they are putting him down and insulting him, trying to make him less credible. Why can't we just admit, "We want a change. This person can do it. Let's spread his message, and get him elected. He stands for the core changes that I want to see in our country.", then actually follow through. I don't think it is brave to barge into another country and take over, killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people. I don't think it is brave to drop bombs on cities of people, not knowing if you will actually hit your target, or just kill more innocent children. I do not believe it is brave to lead a war on "terrorism", when the obvious reason behind it is to control oil fields, and finish what your father started. Do you realize that the vast majority of things that our government is doing is actually against our constitution? Do you remember that utmost important document that our forefathers signed to guarantee our freedoms, civil liberties, and a limited government in which "We the People" are supposed to decide how we want things done? Our government is walking all over our civil liberties, and no one seems to care enough to say stop.

Lastly, let me say, I am not Anti-American, as I'm sure many people believe. I am anything but. I love America. I love what our country stands for. I do not, however, love how our country is being pushed further and further into debt and isolation by the fascist dictators we have in office now. I want to see us return to our roots. Being an American used to really mean something. George W. Bush has made us the laughing stock of the world. Our country is more concerned with capitalistic ideas and policies than those which made our country great. When are we going to wake up?

Death of J.D. Flanagan July 20, 1963-January 7, 2008 R.I.P.

As I'm sure you all know by now, my life sucks. Well, my life doesn't really suck, my luck sucks. I've had to deal with a lot in the last several years, and I thought 2008 would finally be a good year, but I was wrong.

I just got a call from my Grandma Betty letting me know my biological father, JD, passed away yesterday. He died in his sleep, cause unknown at this time. They will be doing an autopsy to find out for sure, but most likely the cause was a heart attack. I guess he had been having severe back pain for several days, and he laid down on the couch Sunday night to sleep. Sometime between 1am and 4am on Monday morning, he passed away, leaving behind my step-mom Cindy. He was 44 years old.

They live down in Georgia, and that is where the funeral and his burial site will be. Unfortunately, right now I'm not financially able to make the trip down. He never got to meet Giovanni. He just saw the pictures of Giovanni about a week ago, and thought he was a beautiful little boy, from what I was told. They were going to stop in to visit on their next trip up, probably this spring, as soon as the weather was a little better.

I'm not sure how much more I can take. I honestly feel like I've hit rock bottom, and now they are just throwing the dirt on top of me and burying me alive. I'm battered and beaten. I'm broken and bleeding. I'm suffocating in pain that seems to encompass my life.

He is now just like his favorite song, a Free bird.

Free Bird

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
There's too many places I haven't seen
And if I stayed here with you, now
Things just wouldn't be the same
Well I'm as free as a bird now,
And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change.
Lord knows I can't change

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
And though this feeling I can't change.
Please don't take it badly,
The Lord knows I'm to blame.
And, if I stayed here with you now
Things just wouldn't be the same.
For I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And the bird you can not change.
And the bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.





In loving Memory of John Davis Flanagan.
July 20, 1963 - January 7, 2008
May you rest in peace.

Lap Band and a Boob Job

So, this might not be what a lot of you planned on when you decided to read this blog. This is not a rant. This is just to let people know that my goal for 2008-2010 is to get Lap Band surgery this year, then in mid 2009 to early 2010 get a boob job to bring my tits back up where they belong.

I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my 25 years, and while I don't see surgery as a quick fix or fix all by any means, I do believe that it will be a useful tool in helping me achieve my weight loss goals.

If you don't approve of surgery to fix weight problems or to enhance your body, thereby improving your self esteem and self confidence, then good for you. I personally believe it's my body, my choice.

I'll update later in the process to let everyone know what is going on.

Facebook is getting Annoying!

Anyone who uses Facebook knows that in order to use the applications that are on the site, you have to basically spam all your friends and send them invites to use the applications too. It gets kinda old. The majority of the applications also have links that show above them saying things like "You have 11 New Messages-Click Here", and you believe that they are actually from the program you are using. When you click on these links, however, you are brought up to spammer sites, and even more spammer applications asking you to send a link to all your friends before you can use the program.

I'm to the point I am ready to delete my facebook account. It is annoying the piss out of me that they want me to spam my friends. I would like to check out an application first, see if it's something me and my friends would use, and if it is a good application, then I will choose the friends who may enjoy using it with me and send it to them.

Maybe I'm just getting grumpy in my old age. I wish things could go back to the way they were back in the day. But alas, it's all about marketing and spam nowadays.

I certainly hope blogger stays spam free.

Why I hate the News Media

Working for a local Police Department for over three years in the post 9/11 world, I have grown to hate the news media. I have seen how they report half truths, if they choose to report any part of the truth at all. It is all about sensationalism with them. I've seen them report inaccurate facts about calls we went out on, and swear that they got the information straight from a "police source".

I've seen stories that were promoted for weeks be pulled from broadcast. One such case was a three part interview with a police dispatcher who had left her job and had talked to a main news media source in our town about the problems and injustices with the department. The first of the three segments aired, and then the rest was never shown. The Mayor and Chief of Police had the story squashed. The public was yet again kept in the dark.

Now that I left the police department, I still hate the media. I have seen, with the current election race coverage, just how unfair and biased the news media really is. I've noticed on more than one occasion that FOX News, being the main perpetrator, does not give equal and unbiased to some candidates running, like Ron Paul. They have been called out on this on more than one occasion, but don't seem to ever have a good answer for their actions.

When are we, as a people, going to stop buying into everything we are told on TV, and start holding the news media, both TV and Print, accountable for what they report and how they report it. Have you noticed some of the bills being passed in the House and Senate lately? My guess is no. No one is reporting on it. Why, you ask? Because the government likes it being swept under the rug so they can pass bills and amendments without any public outcries against it.

Many people don't realize how much yellow journalism there is in the world today. Wake up people! Do your research. Demand fair, equal and unbiased media coverage on all fronts. Don't take everything you hear or read for the truth. Take it at face value. No matter what someone writes about, there is bound to be some portion of it that is biased because of the writers' point of view.

I think we would be better off without the secrecy the government and news media seem to have going on, but that is only My Opinion!

Reality TV....

Normally it would just annoy me. The Survivor and Big Brother type shows are the worst. Then came Celebreality TV....

I love celebreality! I don't know why. I am always catching myself watching "America's Next Top Model" or "I love New York!" or "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels", "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila", "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" and many others on VH1 and MTV.

It is like a drug, and I am hooked! I love to watch these people make complete asses of themselves. Not necessarily the real Celebrities, like Tyra, Bret, or Tila, but the "contestants" on the shows.

Please don't let Celebreality fall by the way side. Keep Celebreality alive!

What we need next is "America's Next President" with Ron Paul included!

So, This is Lissa's World

This is Lissa's World... Anything that is going on that I feel the need to blog about will most likely be found here. This will be separate from my family blog, which you can still access if you want to check up on the rest of my clan. You can also check up on my fiance, Donnie, on his weblog site.

Take a few to check things out. Check out my myspace if you like.

Thanks for visiting!