A Quick Blog While Cleaning

Wow. I have had some major breakthroughs, and breakdowns, since Donnie left. I am realizing a lot of things about myself that I'm not too proud of. While I don't want to go into explicit details, a few details can't hurt, right? For prosperity's sake.

First and foremost, I realize that I have lost my own identity. If you know me, how would you describe me? Giovanni's Mom? Donnie's Fiancee? Honestly, really think about it, who am I? I used to know for certain, but lately it's been really fuzzy. I want to get back to the woman I was when Donnie and I first got together, the woman he fell in love with. I was so independent, and even hesitant to love at times. I never needed anyone, so it made me appreciate those around me more, because those I surrounded myself with were people I honestly wanted in my life. Not to say if you are in my life now that I don't appreciate you and want you here, but I want to get back to not NEEDING people so much. I was so self-sufficient, and now I'm not.

Secondly, I have been taking people for granted lately, especially Donnie. I didn't realize that until I really had to start doing things on my own. I have relied on him to do so many things for me, and he has done them without complaint, that I've taken that, and him, for granted. I don't want to do that. It has always been my philosophy not to take anyone for granted because in an instant they could be gone. I will do my best to NEVER take anyone for granted again. I truly appreciate all of you, in my own way, and am going to try to show it a little more often (okay, a lot more often). Donnie, if you are reading this, please know I am sorry for taking you for granted. I love you so much, and I guess I really hadn't shown it lately.

Thirdly, is that a word? Thirdly? It must be, there is no little squiggle red line under it. Hmm. Anyhow, Thirdly, I have not been taking responsibility for things happening in my life lately. Instead of saying that things are consequences of my choices and actions, I have been saying they are happening to me. That isn't right. Everything that has happened to me has, in some way or another, been a direct or indirect result of a choice I have made or action I have taken (or have not taken).

Lastly, I have let my insecurities take over. Between my own paranoia about being cheated on due to past experiences and my little green monster called jealousy rearing it's ugly head lately, I have been a hot mess, full of worries that have caused me to do some very ugly things. To those I have hurt with this, I am sorry. I truly am. I am not, by nature, a jealous person. Suspicious yes, but not jealous. Due to my own insecurities, I have been extremely jealous lately, and I hate that. I am working on that hardcore right now. I hated it when I was with someone who was jealous and untrusting, and I have become just that. I am sorry. This is one I am digging my heels in on as quickly and as deeply as I can. I HATE JEALOUS & UNTRUSTING PEOPLE! In essence, I hate myself right now.

Amazing what many nights of little sleep, self reflection and deep self exploration can do, huh? lol

I know I have been letting a lot of my own personal demons show through lately, and I am aware of that now. I am doing my best to battle them, but will request that you all give me support and remind me of the fact I am trying to be a better person. I have done some things lately that I never thought I would do, and never wanted to do.

I guess the main point of this post is to apologize to everyone, mainly Donnie, for the way I have been treating you all lately. I have taken so many people for granted, and maybe expected too much of them while expecting too little of myself.

I am still hoping things will work out for Donnie and I and that we can be a family with our son again. That is what I want most in this world right now. I know it will take a while for both of us to get to where we need to be on a personal level, but I feel we can do it with each other's support.

As I realize my life has become a playlist of depressing and sad country songs, I want to bring back my FTW attitude I used to have, and a lot of the fun upbeat tempos that used to influence me. It is time I get out of doldrums.

Here is to starting over, officially. With any luck, someone will buy this house as a result of the showings today. Yes, I said showings. There are two today, between 11am and 1pm. Therefore, I need to get back to cleaning. It is after 6am! I honestly feel that once this house is sold and I am officially starting over in the world, not just my world, that things will change for me. Hopefully it will be a positive change.