Feeling Renewed

Well, I had officially, in my mind, reached rock bottom yesterday. Still reeling from my car being repossessed, I felt myself spiraling out of control into a fit of self pity and depression. I decided, however, that I don't want to feel like that anymore.

I realized, when I started thinking about things, that I have let myself go. I am no longer any part of who I used to be. While I loved my job at the Police Department as a dispatcher, I hate what it has done to my body. Working 12-16 hours a day 5 days a week, I didn't have time to actually take care of myself, and I have gained almost 120 pounds since I started working there in 2004. It is time I take my life back. I am starting by getting more exercise. For the last 3 days, I have gone out and walked around the block, or farther, with Donnie and Giovanni at least once a day. That is phase 1 of my plan. I want to start walking, riding my bike (once I get a new one. My old one got lost a while back.), working out on my Total Gym and with my free weights, and eventually get a YMCA membership for Donnie, Giovanni and me so that I can use the rest of their weights and their pool for strength training and toning. While I am not going to change my "diet", I am going to start limiting how much I eat, and break things down into more frequent, smaller meals, which should help boost my metabolism, which is nearly non-existent at this point. I am tired of the lazy slob I have turned into. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the real me, the thinner me, trapped inside, suffocating under all the fat. It is time I take my life back.

I am looking to the future with a renewed sense of hope and anticipation. While I know things will be tough at first, leaving almost everyone and everything I have ever known to pack up and move out of state where the only people I know are Donnie, Giovanni and a few members of Donnie's family, I feel it is the fresh start I need. My friends and family can still come see me, but we won't be around each other 24/7, which will make us appreciate what time we do have together. They will also be able to see the changes in me more profoundly, since they won't be around me every single day.

Getting healthier has long been a goal of mine, but now I am making it a priority. I have a son to think about, and he needs a healthy, happy Mom. If I ever want to have my daughter, whose name I have already chosen and first outfit I already have bought, then I need to lose weight and get healthier, because otherwise I will have another rough pregnancy, and may not be as lucky as I was with Giovanni.

Also, once our house is sold, and we buy our new place and get everything we need to, and hide money away in the bank for a rainy day, I want to get a tattoo kit and a professional cake decorating kit. Donnie and I both want to learn to do tattoos, though mine would be purely for hobby only. I also want to look to making a part time career out of doing professional cake decorating (for Birthdays, weddings, etc.) to bring in extra income. Cake decoration is something I do have experience with, and since I wouldn't be using ice cream cakes, like I did at DQ, I wouldn't need to feel as rushed and can actually take the time to enjoy it again like I used to when I helped my Mom do it.

So here is a toast to Today. Today is the start of all my tomorrows.