Monday, July 14, 2008
More Ramblings, and a poem.
Current mood: Indescribable pain
Category: Indescribable pain Romance and Relationships
Here I go Once Again.. It's amazing how as soon as darkness falls, everything seems so much more intense. The loneliness, the pain... The pain. It kills me. Much more I do not think I can bear. It has to end, but how, I don't care.
As the darkness begins,
The panic starts setting in.
Thoughts whipping through my head,
As I stare longingly at our empty bed.
Knowing that my heart will die,
Yet I can not muster a tear to cry.
Broken and bleeding beyond repair,
I honestly wonder if you even care.
My anger is hard to keep inside,
I want to simply run and hide.
As it gets darker by the minute,
The loneliness seems infinite.
My pulse is racing with fear chasing,
I know for you there is no replacing.
You're buried deep within my soul,
Though you've raked my heart over the coals.
The pain I feel I can't describe,
But there's no medicine to prescribe.
How we got so far off the track,
I'll never know though I've looked back.
I didn't really see this coming,
I should have though; I heard the humming.
Of rumor mills abuzz with life,
That I would never be your wife.
So here I lay broken in two,
But yet I know I still love you.
11:04 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove
Incoherant ramblings of exhaustion and pain
Current mood: tired; mentally, emotionally, physically.
Category: tired; mentally, emotionally, physically. Romance and Relationships
Here it is, as I begin to write this, 8:08 AM. I am still awake. My eyes are swollen from countless hours of crying and running the gamut of emotions. I am exhausted, but unable to relax long enough to fall asleep. I can barely see the screen. I have not eaten for a few days now, as every time I try I get sick. I feel lost in a labyrinth of emotions, fighting to find my way out. Every where I turn leads to yet another dead end.
I have screamed and cried, cursed at the top of my lungs trying to rid myself of the pain. I don't care how it goes, but I want it gone. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. The pain is intolerable. It is worse than I would have ever imagined. Dying would actually have to feel better than this. There are no words to express the pain I feel. I feel empty and hollow inside. Beyond that emptiness, however, is a pain so intense I cannot bear it. Imagine your heart breaking a million times over, then just keep adding by a million until you are dead. That doesn't even compare to how I feel right now.
I have already felt anger, betrayal, hurt, anger again, but cannot seem to move through the pain. There is too much pain to endure.
No alcohol this time. Mom and Dad would be proud. I am facing this one alone, without chemicals to numb me. I want a drink so bad, but luckily there is none here. I couldn't do it anyhow, and I know that. Temptation is an evil thing.
My ears are ringing from the whirling thoughts whipping around inside my head. The silence kills me more though.
As daylight breaks I search the house, hoping that it was a bad dream. He is not here. The pain becomes more intense as I fall to my knees. Amazing how hard you hit when you hit rock bottom.
It figures he would wake up early today. Wonderful ignorance and blessed innocence in one. He smiles, not realizing what is going on. My heart breaks when I look at him and think how this is going to affect him. The effect it has had on me is becoming apparent to him as he tries harder to make me smile.
I put a smile on my face and pretend I'm okay. Whispering "I love you" in his ear as I fight back my tears. For him I must be strong. He deserved better than this and I failed him. I have let him down. His disappointment in me will become apparent in years to come.
I smile again when he says "Dada" and tell him that he loves him. Inside I am dying.
I take him to the front room to play in his pen. He loves that pen. Maybe I will just lay down for a few moments on the couch and watch him and try to remember the way it was before...
I will never forget the smiles, I love you's, and kisses we shared. How could I, even the ones that were a lie had meant so much to me. Every warm embrace meant the world.
I am sorry, Mr. Lennon, but you lied. Love is not all you need. If it were, then I would have everything.
The playlist of my emotions
Current mood: the worst pain conceivable times about a million
Category: the worst pain conceivable times about a million Romance and Relationships
Right now, I'm not really able to put into words how I feel. I have tried, and every time I sound so pathetic. I feel pathetic. I just want the pain to stop, no matter how it has to happen. I have screamed and cried, and cursed out loud because the pain is intolerable. Such a pain I have never known before. I honestly feel like I'm dying inside. It is far worse than I would have ever imagined. I feel like I have lost my heart and soul, and I am empty inside. However, within that emptiness is a pain so intense it blocks out everything. To put it into words is impossible. There has not been words created yet to express the pain I feel. These songs are, right now, what sums things up best. I'm sure, in time, the words will come to me, but for now I will let the professionals express what I cannot.
MUSIC VIDEOS HAVE BEEN REMOVED TO TO HTML ERROR ON THIS SITE. TO SEE THE PLAYLIST PLEASE VISIT WWW.MYSPACE.COM/BAMBIHUNNY1026 AND CHECK THE BLOG. THANK YOU
The Alphabet and Me
Current mood: melancholy
This is Me.
Accepting.
Bitch.
Caring.
Devoted.
Eccentric.
Fighter.
Generous.
Helpful.
Intelligent.
Jealous.
Kinky.
Loving.
Mom.
Nurturing.
Open.
Passionate.
Quaint.
Rebellious.
Sexy.
Thoughtful.
Unrelenting.
Voluptuous.
Wise.
Xenodochial.
Youthful.
Zealous.
All of these words describe me. What words would describe you?
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My Favorite Things
My Son. His father. The smell of rain. Clean Laundry. A hot shower. Pepperoni Pizza and smirnoff with good friends. Conversation. Debate. Silk Roses, especially black or blue ones. Tattoos. The pain of the needle ripping into the skin is the best feeling in the world next to Love. Love. True, unconditional, undying love, the kind that doesn't even exist in movies. Cinnamon Apple candles. Cuddling on the couch. Quality time. Knowledge. Loving someone. Feeling loved.
Those are just a few for now. There are more, but these were the ones that came to mind right now.
4:21 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
What hurts the most
Current mood: bummed
I always liked this song, though it was sad. Now it has a completely new meaning to me. The chorus is especially meaningful.
Lyrics: What Hurts The Most
By: Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....
Monday, July 14, 2008
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