I have given in. I am giving up hope. I no longer wish to be the one sitting here, looking like a fool, saying things aren't over when, undoubtedly, they are. To try to convince myself otherwise would be a waste of time and effort. The fact that I've given in to giving up hope doesn't mean that I am a weak person, in fact, quite the contrary. It means that I am strong enough to admit that it is time for me to move on. I have given it over two weeks, and feel that things are not progressing at a satisfactory rate. I believe that resistance is futile.
I honestly wanted to believe that it would last forever. I never wanted to give up hope, but I have. I cannot help the way I feel, and right now I feel that I would be better off in reality than in a fantasy world believing things will work out and we will once again be in love. It may happen, and I know this, but it is highly unlikely, as he said, so why should I put my life on hold for something that most likely will not happen?
This realization leads to bigger issues. Where do I want to move? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life?
Where do I want to move? This question has no definitive answer at this time. I know I want to move somewhere I can find work as a paralegal (meaning within a commutable distance to a big city is a plus). I want to move somewhere that I can have all the modern conveniences I have become accustomed to; running water, cable, electricity, indoor plumbing… All of these are necessities. As well as being able to get to the local Wal-mart or other big box store to buy things I need relatively cheaply, I would like to also be able to enjoy the views around me. I want to have a home, hopefully paid in full, with at least 3 bedrooms (so that I can have a tv/guest room), and a decent sized yard for my son to play in as he grows up. Right now he is one, but he is going on about 16.
Where do I want to be? While you may think this is the same as where I want to move, it really isn't. I want to be happy. I want to be with like-minded people. I want to be in a healthy environment for both myself and my son. I want to be myself again. I don't feel I can do any of these things in Grove City, Ohio. This little town has sucked the life out of me (though some would beg to differ and state that it is those around me who have drained my life away) and I want nothing more to do with it. I honestly want to be some place new.
What do I want to do with my life? I always seem to get tripped up by this question. Professionally and academically, I want to be successful. I want to earn my AAS in Paralegal Studies and focus on a career in law. I would like to eventually go on to law school to try to become a Lawyer. On the personal level, however, I want to be a good friend, a great sister and a loving, caring Mom. I want to find someone with which I can share my life, even if that doesn't mean marriage.
As I sit here and watch my son do the Heimlich maneuver on a stuffed puppy dog, I realize that things aren't nearly as horrible as they seem at times. He laughs at the Oompa-Loompa's on the TV, and smiles when Mommy does something seemingly stupid to everyone but him. I guess I'm not really giving in to giving up, but I'm moving forward. I'm not locking the door, just closing it behind me. I am not looking for love, only friendship, maybe companionship. I still love him, but cannot go on forever in the state I am in now.
