Thinking about Old Times and the Future

So, I don't like to reminisce a lot, but lately I've been catching myself doing it more and more. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older and hormonal changes are occurring, or maybe it's just that I've had so much loss that I feel the need to remember the way things were.

I've caught myself thinking about old friends from way back in elementary school, all the way up to recent co-workers I've lost contact with. I've even been thinking about old boyfriends, like Ben from Park Street Middle School. I remember when I thought he and I would always be together. Ahh.. sweet ignorance. Back then, I didn't know real pain, or real love. I had never really experienced loss, and I was such a different person.

I miss the old days, going skating at Skate America with Nicole, watching football games with Megan, sleep-overs with Rachel, threatening to beat up the boys! hehe... These are all things I will never get back. I know each and every interaction I had growing up has shaped me into the person I am today, but I still can't help but wonder at times what if things had been different.

What if I hadn't lost touch with these people, and we were still as close today as we once were? Would I be happier, would I be more outgoing and less cynical? Would I still live in Ohio, or would I have moved away? Would I be the same person I am now, or completely different? Instead of having my first child just before I turned 25, would I have 3-4 kids now, or would I still be waiting?

Then, I get to thinking about the future. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Will Donnie and I last? Will I be a good Mom? Will I finally take off the excess weight, or will I continue to gain until I finally die from my body shutting down? The future is so uncertain.

I want to find a successful career where I can look the way I want, act the way I want, work the hours I want to, and live where I want to. This, however, seems to be just out of grasp. I don't want to have the conventional 40 hours (or more) a week job in an office working for a corporation who wants all of their employees to be cookie cutter clones. I want to lose about 130 lbs, get my tits done, and get covered in tattoos, have facial piercings, wacky hair cuts, the works! I want to be ME! Every interaction I have in life will shape who I am.

Well, here's to the future.