Why?

Why do women insist upon allowing themselves to fall victim to abusive men? This is something I will never understand. What I understand even less is why most of these women stay with their abusers, and return to them even after they had an out. This is a question I would like my readers to think about, especially if you are a female in this situation.

I have known women that are in abusive relationships that have made a successful escape, never to return to the asshole that hurt them. It does happen and can happen for you if you are in a situation like this. So why, once you are safely out, would you subject yourself, and possibly your family, to the harm the psychopathic lunatic could cause? It isn't only you that is affected by your decision. Anyone and everyone in your life is affected by your decision to stay with this person.

If you have children, your children will be affected and possibly placed in harm's way by making the decision to be with someone abusive. I honestly believe that, if as a parent, you put your children in harm's way like that, you should be stripped of all parental rights until you are out of the situation and seek help to rectify any thoughts or behaviors you have that lead you to believe you need to be with an abusive partner.

Women need to quit playing the role of the fragile being, helpless and afraid to stand up for themselves and their family. You are far better off being alone than you are with an abusive partner. Get that through your thick skulls would ya?

Exes and Others

Wow. It amazes me how some people claim to change, but never truly do. Why is it that when someone is your ex, after a while you begin to forget why you are apart? I know I haven't been the best girlfriend to a lot of people I've dated, some reasons explained in my other blog, but for some reason my exes keep coming back to me. I think it is merely they want something familiar, and are looking to get laid, but I've noticed I can't seem to give in to their wants as easily anymore.

You see, before I had an icy cold exterior. I didn't get attached to people, and never shared emotions with others. However, since I found true love, and had my son, I've noticed that level of self protection for me is gone. I have noticed that instead of giving in to people, I'm telling them why I can't. I think some of them have been hurt by the fact that I won't go there because they genuinely wanted another shot, but others have just gotten upset that they won't be able to score and they disappeared.

This brings me back to my eternal question: Can men and women honestly be just friends? Purely platonic, no strings attached and no benefits? I begin to doubt this more and more with every passing day. There are a few exceptions (Josh, this means you.) but those exceptions are rare. I honestly miss the old days when I could just be friends with people, without the added expectation of meaningless hookups. I am still in love, though not technically in a relationship. I may be single, but my heart is still spoken for. I will not be hooking up with anyone.

I am so annoyed right now. I don't understand why everyone seems to want me (I didn't mean that as conceitedly as it sounded). I am not that great of a catch. Seriously, I'm not.

Change

Change is inevitable.  It happens whether we want it to or not.  There is nothing you can do to prevent it.  Many times you do not realize it is happening.  Once it hits however, it is hard to go back to the way things were.  It can happen though, so don't get distressed. 

I am currently looking forward to change.  I am very eager to change my situation and have a fresh start.  Many of my current friends will remain, but some of you may choose not to stay in touch with me once I move.  For those of you that make that decision, I am thankful for the time we had as friends and for the changes and insight you helped me with. 

I am realizing that I can't live in the past any more.  The past has already happened and cannot be changed.  I need to start living in the moment and for the future.  I am working hard at school and trying to make positive changes in myself to get back the good points of the "old me" without all the drinking and drama that went with it.  I don't want to be the cold shell of a person I used to be.  For the longest time I was afraid to let anyone in, even those I cared deeply about, for fear of getting hurt.  I can't block people out for fear of them hurting me; it is a risk I have to take if I want to have anyone in my life that is worth having there. 

Part of the biggest reason I have failed in relationships is that I tend to put up walls and push people away just when I start to care the most.  I get scared that they are getting too close and that I am caring too much, therefore making myself (in my mind) vulnerable for them to hurt me.  Instead of trusting that they wouldn't hurt me, I put up my walls to protect myself and push them away before they can do that to me.  It is among the quickest ways to kill a relationship, monogamous or not. 

With the knowledge I have been gaining about myself through insight and, for once in my life, actually listening to what others are saying instead of just hearing it, I am making changes (though slow at times with some small setbacks) to be a happier, healthier person physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I wish that emotional scars were like physical scars in that people could see them and therefore understand them better.  Half of the time I think that I don't even realize how many emotional scars I have, some of which are not completely healed.  All I can tell everyone is that I am sorry for not being the type of friend I should have been.  I am sorry if I pushed you away unfairly or simply disappeared from your life without reason or explanation.  I can tell you that it most likely had nothing to do with you.  I have been battling a lot of inner demons for a long time and not telling anyone or trying to seek help to work through it.  Please accept my deepest and sincerest of apologies.  I never meant to hurt anyone, and for the longest time I didn't realize I had. 

I honestly believe that once I have moved out and moved on with my life I will be in a much better place mentally.  Though it is not an excuse, living in the same house still that I lived in with my parents (both of whom are deceased) has had a major impact on me and I need to be away from this place before I can truly move on.  Hopefully that day will come soon.

In closing (for this post anyway) I would like to again offer my deepest and sincerest of apologies if you are one of the aforementioned friends that I have neglected or mistreated.  You will never know the depths of my shame over my behavior.  I have not been a good person, and I am going to do my best to change that. 

I love you all.

DRAMA FREE

With all the drama we've had lately, I am proud to say that, for the most part, we will be DRAMA FREE for a while. The main source of the problem has left, though not by choice, and has been told not to return or face jail time. Gotta love the PD. Once they saw the bruises and found out about the physical attack on me, especially with a one year old child in the house, they made it very clear he was not to be here.

Hopefully, this house will sell soon. Then, we can be truly drama free.

The Process of Selling a House

Wow. Who'da thunk it? Selling a house is a lot harder than I ever thought it could be. First off, you have to get the house cleaned up and packed up. This can take a LOT of work, and ya never really realize just how much shit you've accumulated until you go to pack it all up. You go to Wal-Mart and steal their empty boxes they were going to trash thinking "Oh, three carloads of boxes should be enough." But it never is. You get completely done with your closet and realize "Oh holy shit! I am out of boxes already?!?!" Yep. It happens. Trust me.

Then, on top of all the cleaning and packing and stuff, you actually have to decide on a price and try to stick to it. Not too hard since you need that money to start over.

THEN you have to wait for someone to actually want your house over all the others out there on the market. Wow. What a cluster that can be. A million people trampling through your house to find ONE person who may be interested in buying it, possibly successful in your search, possibly not.

But in the end it is all worth it, or so I'm told. I am still waiting for that offer to come, though my agent says it should be any day now. I hope he is right. I can't wait to move on with my life and leave the past behind me.

The Life and Times of Lissa

Born in 1982, Lissa has seen a lot in her relatively short life. She has dealt with more than most her age; yet she has persevered to become the strong, intelligent, driven woman she is today. There are many facets to this woman you see before you today. She is a mother, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a fighter, a Bitch, a mentor, an inspiration; the list could go on for eternity. One thing Lissa is not, however, is someone that will easily turn her back on those she cares about. She may put up a tough front, but underneath the rough and tumble exterior is a fragile little girl, uncertain where things in her life went so terribly wrong.

You may not realize this, but Lissa isn't really as strong as she likes to put off to be. A lot of things she plays off as not affecting her have left deep emotional scars on her that she battles with on a daily basis. From the abandonment issues surrounding her early childhood to the fear of being loved as an adult, there are years and years of issues she has held just under the surface; afraid to show her vulnerability to others for fear of being judged as less than her peers, she has kept everything bottled up inside.

I am planning to start a new blog, entitled The Life and Times of Lissa to tell more about me and my past. This will be my form of "therapy" about my past. I will probably jump around depending on what issues and demons I am battling that day, but it is certain to be quite insightful to who I am and why I am the way I am. Some of this may even prove to be a revelation to me, so please bear with me as I jump back in time to explore who I am and where I came from.

I honestly believe that blogging can cure the soul. That being said, I feel blogging can be quite dangerous when it explores parts of ourselves that we have chosen to hide for months, years and even decades.

Get ready to go on a bumpy ride to into the Life and Times of Lissa. It is sure to be a tantalizing experience.

The State of Lissa

What is the state of Lissa right now? Confused. She doesn't know what she wants more, the house to sell or her life back the way it used to be. She is thinking it is the latter. Going back into the past will do nothing productive and it won't change things.

I have come to the decision, after a lot of thinking, that I don't need a man in my life (other than my son) to make me feel complete. I am my own person. I have my own mind, my wants, my desires, my needs. This being said, I WANT one man in particular in my life. He knows who he is, so there is no need to go mentioning names.

I am doing okay in school so far. I can't believe it is time for midterms already! wow. Time flies.

All in all I must say the state of Lissa is a great place. There are beautiful valleys and scenic mountains to view. :) Anywho.. I'm off here for now. It's almost 5:30 am and I need to be up early.

Still Waiting on Change

Here I sit, still waiting on change to come knocking on my door. Forget opportunity. I am waiting for someone to buy my house so I can move out and move on. I want to buy my new home so G and I can start getting ready for the holidays. We can get our life in order. We can be a little family. There is a possibility of getting an English Mastiff puppy and Pitt Puppy for G. I'm sure he would love those. Poor buddy is teething and not feeling his best. I feel so bad for him. He needs to be somewhere we can be ourselves. Right now he is trying to poop his pants. His little face makes the funniest expressions as he does this.

I have learned so much about being a Mom in the last year. I would never change that for anything. It is a much harder job than I expected, but I'm loving most every minute of it.